Thursday, October 11, 2012

I am a mess

The other day I was asked how old I was and I had to do the math. That’s how much I’ve been ignoring the passage of time lately. I turned 34 four months ago. The last several years seem like a blur.

I still feel like a teenager in a lot of ways and I still live like one somewhat. I’m married to a man-child that loves to play as much as I do and I’m childless by choice. I worked my way up to management at my day job a few years ago but got overwhelmed by the responsibility and work load. I’m now working an entry level position by choice, despite my bachelor’s degree and almost a decade of experience in my field.

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since my childhood. I have good days and bad days but I never really feel “better”. My depression causes me to sleep for days at a time with no energy to do anything productive. It makes me avoid my family and friends and shut myself off from the outside world. Conversely, my anxiety gives me insomnia and late night panic attacks, and paralyzes me from doing anything at all. It prevents me from trying new things and causes me to avoid any social situation that involves those people not in my immediate family.   

me from the front
I’m easily 100 pounds over my ideal weight. I have binge eating disorder, which is the most common but also most un-diagnosed eating disorder in the United States. I started compulsively overeating at the age of 11 and was just a little overweight until the age of 19 or 20, when I started steadily gaining and didn’t stop until I reached 226 pounds on my 5 foot 3 inch frame.

I struggle with hoarding and compulsive shopping. I am an “aspirational” hoarder, buying craft supplies for projects I never start, books I never read and clothes I hope to someday fit into. I have massive credit card debt and I’m constantly struggling with money due to my shopping issues.

I have an addictive personality, meaning I seem to “acquire” addictions easily. In addition to eating, hoarding and shopping I will become obsessed with certain television shows or websites and spend unreasonable amounts of time and energy on them, letting my responsibilities and regular routines fall by the wayside.

I feel like I’ve been struggling for years to “fix” myself, to get organized, to be productive and to really live. I’ll do good for a few days and occasionally even weeks before I fall down the rabbit hole of me again.

I’m turning 35 in eight short months and I really want something to show for it. Next October, a year from now, I don’t want to look back and say the last year was another blur with the same old problems that never got any better.

I’ve had this blog for awhile now and only posted in it occasionally, specifically about my arts and crafts projects, ideas and inspiration. I called it My Altered World because of my love of mixed media and altered art projects. I’ve decided to change it up a little and make it a blog about altering my whole self---body, mind, spirit, home and lifestyle. I still plan to include lots of arts and crafts posts because supporting myself as an artist has always been my dream job, and I intend to keep working on that goal even if I never do make it.

My goal as of now is to post at least 3 times a week. Hopefully I can build up to even more. Please join me on my journey to a better me. I welcome support, questions, and respectful criticism.

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